This list was compiled to support my earlier blog Why can’t I decide how I want to kill myself? decrying the intrusion in our lives by Health and Safety.

Lollipop man in Essex stripped of his lollipop and ordered to stay on the pavement after fears he may be run over at a pelican crossing.  His job is now to push the pelican crossing button and advise people on how to cross safely

A Cardiff lady was given a parking ticket, which was refused to be overturned,  whilst she stopped on a bridge to try and prevent a suicidal stranger from jumping.

Ripon pancake race was cancelled due to safety reasons. When interviewed  a council worked said “Luckily no one has been killed yet”.

Councils pour cold water on Bonfire Night. At Upton Park, in Slough, Berks, uniformed HSE officers were busy confiscating sparklers from five-year-olds at a bonfire party, even though the children were being supervised by their parents.

Staff at a primary school in Melksham, Wilts, fled inside when a five-year-old pupil got stuck up a tree in the playground, citing health and safety rules. Quick-thinking passer-by Kim Barrett helped the lad down, but instead of thanking her, headmistress Beverley Martin reported her to the police, who ticked her off for trespassing.

Walsall Council has banned ball games at Broadway Playing Fields for health and safety reasons as part of the park in on a landfill site – although it has refused to say what the risks may be.

Suffolk County Council banned hanging baskets from ‘lighting pillars’ – what jobsworths call lamp posts these days – during the Bury St Edmunds In Bloom festival, for fear they might fall on someone’s head.

A village in Gloucestershire has banned swings in a children’s playground.

HSE officers in Bognor Regis are insisting kiddies wear crash helmets when riding donkeys on the beach.

On Tayside, the NHS has issued guidelines on how to use the bathroom. A four-page leaflet, entitled Good Defecation Dynamics has been published in Dundee. It gives advice on the safest way to sit on the toilet.

But the all-time triumph of the Royal Society for the Extremely Stupid – the sign that clinched it for them at this year’s awards – was a big road sign that went up in Swansea. The English version said that this was a residential area and there was no entry for heavy goods vehicles. But it was the Welsh translation that represented a masterpiece of Extremely Stupid lobbying. This read: “Nid wyf yn y swyddfa ar hyn o bryd. Anfonwch unrhyw waith i’w gyfielthu.” It was a few months before someone had the nerve to point out that this gnomic message meant: “I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated.”

Why can’t I decide how I want to kill myself?

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One thought on “The lunatics are now in charge of the asylum… I couldn’t make this up

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